Los Angeles, CA - A new dating site opened on the Internet today targeting mutants and aliens. “We thought there was more than a few of them running around out there, so we believed they might need a place to meet online conveniently.” says founder Robert X. Terra. The site www.ET-Mutant-Dating.com is free, and the site received 4,500 sign-ups the first day. Some of the more famous registrants included: an older, more sophisticated E.T., a graying Chewbacca, and the vivacious Storm from X-Men fame.
HumorUpdate.com - USA - Does it really make a difference if a person uses the fan after taking a dump, or not?
Yes - 10%
No - 89%
Undecided - 1%
Michelle Williams of Seattle, WA, summed it up best: “My husband leaves the bathroom with a smell so strong, the dogs won’t go in there. That fan doesn’t do jack.”
Greensboro, NC - If you ever wanted to smoke all day long without disturbing anyone next to you, the new Smoker Super Helmet could be for you. Developed by TobaccoForever, Inc., the versatile unit cuts down on cigarette expense by trapping in smoke for up to 6 hours, extending the life of one pack to 1-3 days.
Critics point out that not much oxygen will get in there. However, users of the new product don’t seem to care.”I’m here to smoke ‘em up. If I was worried about oxygen, I’d wear a freakin’ oxygen mask.” Johnny Lighter argued. Company spokesman Bob Carton added “The Smoker Super Helmet looks rigid, but can actually be molded, much like a Spider-Man doll, for example. We also point out that cigars or other fine smoking products can be enhanced with the new Smoker Super Helmet.”
Husband takes anti-aging pill - and it works
Miami, FL - Patty Delgado, wife of Alejandro Delgado, could hardly believe her eyes when she woke up.
New York, NY - Drug manufacturer WhatsWrongWithThisPicture announced today that a new pill will cure the common cold in six hours. News of the new pill sent shares of the company’s stock skyrocketing, to close at 20.25, up 172%. “We’re excited and happy to do the public some good.” spokesperson Eric QuickTurnaround said today. Of course the new Isitworthit pill has a few minor side-effects, as with all new drugs these days.
The possible minor side-effects included:
Head and body hair self-igniting
Vomiting while sleeping
Toe-nails, finger-nails, and skin falling off
Urge to throw boss out the window
Inability to determine left from right
Craving for fried guinea pig
Just remember, your cold will be gone
Dagobah System - Yoda reportedly lost his temper today, frustrated at the way his skill with the Force was portrayed in Star Wars Attack of the Clones. “As powerful as I am with the Force, that guy should not have lasted more than 5 seconds. Do you really think that I would need a light saber to handle that guy?” Residents of Dagobah witnessed Yoda using the Force to uproot trees and bushes sporadically throughout the day.
Honolulu, HI - The Hawaiian Punch will join the NBA’s West Coast Conference beginning with the 2006 season. Top players are being wooed with beautiful beaches and luaus. Allen Iverson is considering the move and said “Dude, it’s a no brainer. Where would you rather play your home games, Hawaii or Philly?”
So far, the leading candidate for coach of the new team is Tom Selleck, best known for the television show Magnum, P.I. NBA league officials opposed the new team’s name, fearing it would attract the league’s more aggressive players, but had no legal recourse.
New York, NY- Investors continued to sell on Wall Street, this time based on fears of declining sales of glazed donuts. Analyst Peter Almond, of Pile, Stack & Run, stated that “The reckless glee index (RGI) fell another 2% in the last 30 days - an all-time low.” Jerry Inflatt, of Great Negate, agreed and added “Declining glazed donut consumption is the primary factor in the slide of the reckless glee index.” He added that “On the bright side, the index has got to move back up sometime.”
New York, NY- A Feng Shui Expert spent the previous night partying and then tried to perform his job the next day with disasterous results. Lu Chow Zen, 33 of Brooklyn, NY, is being sued by Richard Lowberg for “creating tremendous disharmony” at his business office in Manhatten. Lowberg, an attorney, came into work late that morning to find his office in shambles. “It looked like something from a Three Stooges episode.” Lowberg said.
Dallas, TX - Daniel Brownunder was abducted early Friday morning from his cubicle after numerous employees filed complaints about severe odors that never seemed to go away. Co-workers described the smells as “not of this earth.”
The Gas Squad is frequently becoming a solution to awkward or embarrasing situations in which upper management fails to act. Abducted employees are given thorough internal examinations and have their insides “totally cleaned out.” A monitoring of the employee’s eating habits ensues to ensure no further problems arise that would disrupt the workplace. Brownunder is expected to return to work on Monday “as if nothing ever happened.” Little is known about the Gas Squad, except that they are out there, and their techniques work.
Office worker Daniel Brownunder is missing in action until the Gas Squad is through with him.
Brownunders co-workers celebrated all day Friday after the Gas Squad made the abduction. “This will be the first day in years that my eyes won’t water when I go over to the accounting department.” said Jill Albert from the sales department. CEO Bob Martin said “I don’t know who brought in the Gas Squad, but it will be interesting to see the efficiency effects on Brownunder and the staff.”